To Kill A Spider

Directions for disposal of Arachnid-Hairius-Scarius-Maximus:

Step 1: Spot big scary hairy offender perched creepily on daughters sandal
Step 2: Squeal quietly so as not to alert children Give a full body shake to get rid of eeby-jeeby's
Step 3: Throw shoes mate from across the room in hopes it will land directly on spider sending him to a miserable squishy death.
Step 4: Say bad word.
Step 5: Grab vacuum. Place all attachments onto vacuum hose to make it as long as possible. Stand across room reaching with what you wish were"go-go-gadget" arms.
Step 6: Touch spider with tip and squeal a little as it walks away casually to underside of shoe.
Step 7: Say bad word. Take a deep breather and a little eeby-jeeby shake.Briefly consider asking daughter to come squish spider for you. Put on determined face. Step back in to battle.
Step 8: Holding breath, point inadequately short hose toward spider. Commit to not thinking about 8 disturbing legs. Place hose over offensive spider and watch his legs start to lift upward. Watch spider disappear into dark tunnel of death.
Step 9: Quickly drop hose before the dead spider thud hits. Jeeby shake, jump, and dance. Squeal loudly. Leave vacuum running considerably longer than necessary in case dead spider has any thoughts of haunting sequel.
Step 10: Run out of room to call husband and tell about brave war against arachnid. Embellish a little. Leave vacuum for husband to clean up.