Bleak Black Friday

There is something masochistic about shopping the day after Thanksgiving. It’s definitely one for the adrenaline junkies. The black Friday shoppers can be classified into two groups. The first are the Planners. The Planners are wearing track suits, ear muffs, and gloves with hand warmers. You can generally find them toward the outside of the hungry, impatient pack. They see themselves slipping in the sides, while the mid crowd shoves ineffectually to get through the tiny door space. Their over-caffeinated bodies are bouncing slightly while they pour over the store leaflet, and then close their eyes to visualize where each item is located. No, the planners are not talking to you, they are mumbling to themselves about where each item is located, since they have already staked out the store’s layout the day before. They are aware of the route they will take to swiftly and efficiently acquire their haul, and have prepared back up routes if one way is too crowded. The Planners know ahead of time, which checkouts are 20 items or less or self checkout. They have planned not only this strike, but attacks on several other stores throughout the day at precisely planned intervals. They have their drive looped out since there is no time for backtracking, and know exactly how far and how long it will take to get to each destination. Their assaults will be quick and precise. No plans for lunch. There is no time. The Planners are shopping right on through to get the best deals. Then there are the Procrastinators. The Procrastinators plan little, and jump out of bed at 3 a.m. Their disordered manes are swiftly pulled into ponytails. No time for a brush. Procrastinators move in packs, and view all other shopper groups as the enemy. A Procrastinator is distinguished from a Planner by their offensive stance, and crazed eyes. Procrastinators spend the time before the store opening to size up possible opponents. The lucky first Procrastinators in line gloat about their first place spot believing this will grant them immunity from empty shelves. Procrastinators take a few different strategies. Some of them attach themselves early to a Planner, hoping to snatch whatever deals the Planner is moving toward. Others swiped a sale leaflet off the kitchen counter on their way out, and now have a few items in mind. They plan to use their energized shoulders and quick elbows, to help them find those items. When the doors are opened, the Procrastinators have no strategy against the whoosh of body inertia, but keep their eyes on the door knowing that if they can keep standing, this will soon be over. Once inside, the Procrastinator’s inner animal comes out. Their heads are low; their hands fast, grabbing at anything that looks like others might want; whether on a shelf or in someone’s cart. Procrastinators unfortunate lack of planning means, they are last in line at the checkout. Little hair is left in the ponytail, many are unsure of their friend’s fates. Procrastinators usually seem satisfied with their day’s tallies, although many will decide to forgo the mayhem next year. When Procrastinators leave this store, they go to lunch.