Thursday, September 30, 2010

If You Give a Toddler a Cookie. . .

He will need a place to sit, so you will get him a barstool. Once in a barstool, he will demand some chocolate milk. After he takes a sip he will decide he didn't want it. He will throw it on the ground. Because it had no lid, you will spend the next few minutes mopping up the milk mess on the floor. And counter. And walls. You will leave the ceiling for later. While you're mopping up the milk, he will climb down from the barstool and disappear. So will the cookies. You will go looking for him and find him covered in war paint. You will learn he likes the colors blue and green across his chest and orange on his nose. You will spend the next few minutes scavenging for the marker lids. And probably the rest of the markers too. Better put away the crayons as well just in case. When you place them back in the office desk, you will find his stash of cookies so you will have to wipe out the drawer. Once done you will find the boy playing calmly in his room playing with his cars. Wearing only war paint. He will probably see the diaper in your hand and bolt from the room yelling, "NO! Poopoo Potty!" He will climb on to the closed toilet and sit demanding that you not touch him because he is busy. You will casually walk to toward the sink like you just need to touch up your face. He will call your bluff and bolt from the room. You will have thought ahead and blocked his path. He will have to be wrestled down and have his wrists pinned to the ground with your hands and his feet pinned to the ground with your feet. You will have to put on his diaper with your knees. When he is done getting dressed he will want to watch Mickey Mouse. You will put him in front of the T.V. believing you have 15 seconds to visit the loo. Once you are out of sight, he will decide to take off his shoes. After he has his shoes off, he will need a place to stash them out of sight. He will probably decide to place them up high where Mom can't see them so he will find a barstool. He will push the barstool toward the counter and climb up putting himself directly in front of the microwave. He will think he has struck gold. He will stash his shoes and then realize they need to be warmed up. He will turn it on. You will come in and find him calmly watching cartoons with the microwave on. You will find his shoes and replace the barstool. Now that the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse song is on, he will want you to do the closing dance with him. He will tell you to sit back down because you butchered the goofy dance. He will finish it alone. When Mickey is all done, he will decide he is hungry so he will run to a barstool. You will probably decide on the one with the seatbelt. Once he's in his barstool-seatbelt, it will remind him of his milk.
And chances are, if you give a toddler some milk--

he will probably want a cookie to go with it.

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